Pleasing in the Workplace, Part 1: Am I Colleague-Pleaser?

Maintaining positive, enthusiastic relationships with colleagues often feels essential for collaboration in a healthy work environment. But there’s a fine line between being cooperative and falling into the habit of colleague-pleasing.

Colleague-pleasing, much like people-pleasing, involves going out of your way to satisfy others, often at the expense of your own needs or professional boundaries. This behavior can lead to stress, burnout, and ultimately, a decline in work performance. Below are some qualifiers for you to read through if you’re worried you might identify as a colleague pleaser. We’ll address the potential pitfalls of this practice further in depth and provide some tips on how to strike a healthy balance.

Signs You Might Be a Colleague Pleaser

Recognizing whether you’ve fallen into the habit of colleague-pleasing can be challenging, especially since it often stems from a genuine desire to be helpful and maintain harmony.

Here are some signs to watch out for:

• You Struggle to Say No. If you find yourself constantly agreeing to take on extra work, even when your plate is full, or saying “yes” to requests that you don’t have time for, you might be a colleague-pleaser. The fear of disappointing others or being seen as uncooperative can lead you to overcommit.

• You Avoid Conflict at All Costs: Conflict is a natural part of any workplace, but if you go out of your way to avoid it—by agreeing with others even when you disagree, or by avoiding difficult conversations—you might be prioritizing others’ comfort over your own boundaries and needs.

• You Constantly Seek Approval: If you often look for validation from your colleagues or worry excessively about their opinions, you might be a colleague-pleaser. This can manifest as second-guessing your work, frequently asking for feedback, or changing your behavior to fit in.

• You Take on Tasks Outside Your Role: While being a team player is important, regularly taking on tasks that fall outside your job description, especially at the expense of your own responsibilities, can be a sign of colleague-pleasing. This often happens when you want to be seen as indispensable or are afraid of saying “no.”

• You Feel Resentful or Burned Out: Colleague-pleasing can lead to feelings of resentment when your efforts go unrecognized or when you’re overwhelmed by the extra tasks you’ve taken on. If you’re constantly exhausted or frustrated by your workload, it might be because you’re prioritizing others’ needs over your own.

Common Consequences of Colleague Pleasing

While it’s natural to want to be liked and appreciated by your colleagues, habitual colleague-pleasing can have negative consequences for both you and your workplace:

• Decreased Productivity: Overcommitting to tasks and responsibilities that aren’t yours can detract from your ability to perform your own job effectively, leading to decreased productivity and quality of work. Ironically, this could actually lower your colleagues’ opinions of you.

• Burnout: Continuously putting others’ needs before your own will cause you to lose your connection to your intrinsic or role-specific priorities. All of this can lead to burnout, reduced effectiveness, and disengagement from work. This also doesn’t create great optics amongst coworkers!

• Unhealthy Work Relationships: While colleague pleasing might initially seem like a way to strengthen relationships, it can actually lead to unhealthy dynamics where you’re seen as a pushover or where your efforts are taken for granted.

• Loss of Self-Respect: Constantly bending to others’ demands can lead to a loss of self-respect and confidence, as you may start to feel that your own needs and opinions are less valuable.

How to Break the Cycle

If you recognize yourself in any of the signs above, it’s important to take steps to break the cycle of colleague pleasing. Here’s how:

• Set Clear Boundaries: Start by setting clear boundaries around your time and responsibilities. Communicate these boundaries to your colleagues, so they understand what you’re able to take on and when you need to focus on your own tasks.

• Practice Saying No: Saying “no” can be difficult, especially if you’re used to being the go-to person for help. However, it’s an essential skill to master. Practice polite but firm ways to decline requests that you don’t have the capacity to fulfill.

• Prioritize Your Own Work: Make sure you’re prioritizing your own tasks and responsibilities-whether professional or personal- before taking on additional work. This not only ensures that you meet your own goals but also sets a standard for your colleagues.

• Seek Internal Validation and Intrinsic Motivation: Instead of relying on external approval, focus on building internal validation. Recognize your own value, accomplishments and contributions. Trust in your abilities and judgment.

• Engage in Constructive Conflict: Don’t shy away from conflict or difficult conversations. Engaging in constructive conflict can lead to better solutions and a more respectful work environment. It’s okay to disagree or push back when necessary.

Conclusion

While it’s natural to want to maintain positive relationships with colleagues, it’s important to be mindful of the fine line between being cooperative and falling into the habit of colleague-pleasing. By recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps to set boundaries, prioritize your own work, and engage in healthy communication, you can foster a work environment that is both supportive and respectful. You will also grow into recognizing and valuing yourself as a team member on an intrinsic level. Remember, true collaboration comes from mutual respect, not from sacrificing your own needs to please others.